Oh, the feelings that
mesmerized us when we were dating, got engaged and the first years of marriage.
The feelings of joy, happiness, relief, pleasure, gladness, and ecstasy were
running wild in our hearts. We believed life would be perfect from that day
forward. We would never have any problems in our marriage. We will never fall
out of love. We knew we would never argue over finances, kids, work or sex.
Nothing and no one would ever make us believe otherwise. Heaven on earth has
arrived!
Little did we know what really happens in marriage is that two totally different people are being forged into one. We knew that men and women are different physically but the emotional differences are as wide and deep as the Grand Canyon. Sometimes one spouse does not like the fact that their independence is now being threatened. They want their old independence back but still want to be married. This can lead to resentment of the other spouse and depression.
But how do we get the fire back we had when we first got married? Let me start with an analogy. If you build a bonfire in your back yard there will be a large flame at first. As the bonfire continues to burn it will end up as red hot coals. These coals are much hotter than the large flames that you saw just after you started the bonfire. These red hot coals are how our marriages were designed to be as we matured, physically and mentally. While the flames may not still be there know that the red hot coals will continue as long as you put more wood on the fire.
What is the wood in your marriage to keep the coals burning red hot? Sex. You are probably thinking; a husband must be writing this. You are correct, but why not read what Kate at One Flesh Marriage has to say about sex as the glue in marriage. It is a great article and from a wife. Take a few minutes and you can read it here - http://www.onefleshmarriage.com/2011/11/sex-glue.html I know it sounds corny to say that sex is the glue and the way to a marriage with red hot coals, but it is the truth. You may not remember the song from 1975, “Love Will Keep Us Together” by Captain & Tennille, but the title is true. Just read the Song of Solomon to see how God designed sex to keep us together.
While most surveys state that sex usually takes 15 minutes or less it is a very important 15 minutes. If time is the reason try looking at it this way. 15 minutes is 1% of your 24 hour day. Out of the 168 hours in a week it is only .0015% of your time. And you said you don’t have time for sex with your spouse. We make time for the important things in our lives. If you are making time for work, kids, exercise, and things other than your spouse, you are sending a signal to them that they are not as important as these things. Are they more important than your spouse? Are you really ok with sex not happening in your marriage? God does not think so. Just read 1 Corinthians 7:5. God said it is only ok if you are praying and fasting. See my post about it here http://marriagefire.blogspot.com/2012/10/but-i-dont-want-to-fast.html
But where did the feelings go and how can we get them back? Start by spending time with each other. That means scheduling some quality time together. It may mean getting a sitter for the kids and leaving the dog at a kennel for a day or two. Yes, a day or two. Longer if you have the time and money. Oops, there is that word again – time. If money is an issue, ask a couple from church to watch your kids for the night or weekend and you can return the favor for them. Then use that time to talk and use open and honest communication and to make love. You want the red hot coals don’t you?
Little did we know what really happens in marriage is that two totally different people are being forged into one. We knew that men and women are different physically but the emotional differences are as wide and deep as the Grand Canyon. Sometimes one spouse does not like the fact that their independence is now being threatened. They want their old independence back but still want to be married. This can lead to resentment of the other spouse and depression.
But how do we get the fire back we had when we first got married? Let me start with an analogy. If you build a bonfire in your back yard there will be a large flame at first. As the bonfire continues to burn it will end up as red hot coals. These coals are much hotter than the large flames that you saw just after you started the bonfire. These red hot coals are how our marriages were designed to be as we matured, physically and mentally. While the flames may not still be there know that the red hot coals will continue as long as you put more wood on the fire.
What is the wood in your marriage to keep the coals burning red hot? Sex. You are probably thinking; a husband must be writing this. You are correct, but why not read what Kate at One Flesh Marriage has to say about sex as the glue in marriage. It is a great article and from a wife. Take a few minutes and you can read it here - http://www.onefleshmarriage.com/2011/11/sex-glue.html I know it sounds corny to say that sex is the glue and the way to a marriage with red hot coals, but it is the truth. You may not remember the song from 1975, “Love Will Keep Us Together” by Captain & Tennille, but the title is true. Just read the Song of Solomon to see how God designed sex to keep us together.
While most surveys state that sex usually takes 15 minutes or less it is a very important 15 minutes. If time is the reason try looking at it this way. 15 minutes is 1% of your 24 hour day. Out of the 168 hours in a week it is only .0015% of your time. And you said you don’t have time for sex with your spouse. We make time for the important things in our lives. If you are making time for work, kids, exercise, and things other than your spouse, you are sending a signal to them that they are not as important as these things. Are they more important than your spouse? Are you really ok with sex not happening in your marriage? God does not think so. Just read 1 Corinthians 7:5. God said it is only ok if you are praying and fasting. See my post about it here http://marriagefire.blogspot.com/2012/10/but-i-dont-want-to-fast.html
But where did the feelings go and how can we get them back? Start by spending time with each other. That means scheduling some quality time together. It may mean getting a sitter for the kids and leaving the dog at a kennel for a day or two. Yes, a day or two. Longer if you have the time and money. Oops, there is that word again – time. If money is an issue, ask a couple from church to watch your kids for the night or weekend and you can return the favor for them. Then use that time to talk and use open and honest communication and to make love. You want the red hot coals don’t you?
like Christ's parables, these analogies about what sex is (and could/should be) are great to spur us to really consider, and have the little light bulb over our head turn on. great post
ReplyDeleteThank you, when we really get the revelation that the husband is Christ and the bride is the church the mystery of the Gospel unfolds perfectly.
DeleteGod Bless